A suicide note

I was seven when I found out a suicide note while rummaging through a drawer.It wasn't a regular suicide note; not that I had seen so many. It was written in one of the diaries in which my mother used to note down recipes, home remedies, beautiful quotations and keep cuttings of unfinished sudoku puzzles. I had just learnt reading and would try reading anything that came across. She wrote that she could no longer bear the pain, abuse and suffocation of her marriage. She has decided to kill herself along her three children. That she is going to poison the food and make sure we die before her as we are her responsibility.This was all in hindi. I read and re-read the letter with my hands trembling and heart pounding at rate which I could hear.

The bigger problem was there was no date written.Was this an old letter? Was it written today? But last fight was two weeks ago when mummy didn't eat anything for days. Did she write it then? I stopped eating for days after days. I would come up with some excuse or the other. Watch my mother make the food. Observe every fight more closely. Try to read her mind. Try to find if she is happy now or do something to make her feel that way. Make her give up that thought. I no longer feared school punishment for undone homework. When there is no hope there is no fear.

But I was only losing weight and hope. Every fight would leave me more devastated than her. I would pack my bag for school half heartedly for it's possible there will be no new morning.  I had a million questions to ask her. Ask her why you don't  fight back?  Why you just don't leave him? Why you just keep on suffering? Why you are the one who stop eating after every fight?  Is suicide the only escape? Wouldn't you give us a choice to live? Would you give us a chance to make you happy? Wouldn't you make the recepies you haven't made yet?  Wouldn't you solve those unfinished sudoku puzzles?
                     

But I didn't have the courage to ask back then. I don't have the courage till today. How strange is it that I find it okay to be this read and known by hundred strangers but not you mommy .Sometimes I really want to ask why you contemplated death because I have and I know what place it is to be. That even now every time you and papa fight I start crying due to haunts of past. That I vividly remember every single word of that note. About what happened in the past there was a relative( her brother) who had come to stay for month. I was relieved that she wouldn't think of suicide now. I started to eat ; she began to smile. I decided to confine anything bad that happened to myself and not upset her.

I get how trivial this incident may sound. But it wasn't trivial for a seven year old and even a grown up me for that matter. What happens with you as a child stays with you, builds you and moulds you. This incident instilled a mistrust and misandry within me that only increased with time. She teaches me to study hard and be on my own so that I can afford a divorce unlike her while also teaching me to forgive and forget no matter what someone does to you.I still don't understand her completely. But I guess that is okay. The answer must lie in the attempt.

 Someone said that there is no greater agony than bearing the pain of an untold story within you. So here I am entering the coming year with one less pain and lot more hope. 

Sunaina Mishra #rolestroll_8

खाकी रंग दीवारों
पर लटकती गाँधीजी
की बड़ी-सी फ़ोटो के
पीछे से दुपहरी में
एक लंबी-भूरी-सी
छिपकली निकलती है

रेंग कर ख़मोशी से
इर्द-गिर्द फ़ोटो के
गश्त ये लगाती है
और जैसे ही कोई
कीट-पतंगा उड़ कर
पास से गुज़रता है
धर दबोच लेती है
पंख नोच देती है
माँस चबा जाती है
ज़िंदा निगल जाती है

फिर बड़े सलीक़े से
जैसे कुछ हुआ ना हो
कोई भी मरा ना हो
रेंगती हुई वापस
गाँधीजी की फ़ोटो के
पीछे लौट जाती है
                ~हुसैन हैदरी

Movie - Mukkabaaz
   

She is a mute girl and a niece of an influential sports mafia who is the head of State boxing federation. Things starts to entwine when she falls for a boxer who retaliates against her uncle after having constantly put to do personal errands rather than boxing practice. She loves to see someone who doesn't see her as a handicapped woman, is different from the male chauvinists around her and even promises to leave his career in order to fulfill her dreams. She is fearless and stubborn. She is living in a world where casteism, corruption , cow vigilantism, political diabolism, crimes, male dominance are so rampant. Her disability signifying that women have no say whatsoever as the one having voices are even more silent than her. She wants to complete her further studies and get rid of the pathetic world around her. She follows her husband to every match, supports him, understands him,  love him without saying  any word showing how some hearts understand each other even in silence. She always wears black announcing her rebellion and aggression. Her story exemplifies that silence is the most powerful scream. 

Maya #rolestroll_7

एक दफा वो याद है तुमको ,

बिन बत्ती जब साईकल का चालान हुआ था

हमने कैसे भूखे प्यासों बेचारों सी एक्टिंग की थी

हवलदार ने उल्टा एक अट्ठनी दे कर भेज दिया था 

एक चवन्नी मेरी थी, वो लौटा दो 

मेरा कुछ सामान तुम्हारे पास पड़ा है

सावन के कुछ भीगे भीगे दिन रखे हैं

और मेरे इक खत में लिपटी राख पड़ी है

वो राख बुझा दो, मेरा वो सामान लौटा दो

पतझड़ में कुछ पत्तों के, गिरने की आहट

कानों में इक बार पहन के लौटाई थी

पतझड़ की वो शाख अभी तक कांप रही है

वो शाख गिरा दो, मेरा वो सामान लौटा दो

इक अकेली छतरी में जब आधे-आधे भीग रहे थे

आधे सूखे, आधे गीले, सुखा तो मैं ले आयी थी

गीला मन शायद बिस्तर के पास पड़ा हो

वो भिजवा दो, मेरा वो सामान लौटा दो

एक सौ सोलह चांद की रातें, एक तुम्हारे कांधे का तिल

गीली मेंहदी की खुशबू, झुठमूठ के शिकवे कुछ

झूठमूठ के वादे भी सब याद करा दूँ

सब भिजवा दो, मेरा वो सामान लौटा दो

एक इजाज़त दे दो बस, जब इसको दफ़नाऊँगी

मैं भी वहीं सो जाऊंगी, मैं भी वहीं सो जाऊंगी|

Movie - Ijaazat

                          

There is nothing about her which inspired me but everything about her that intrigued me.She is a idiosyncratic girl who is still not over her lover Mahinder who is now married to other woman,  Sudha.Sudha is mature, forgiving and even empathetic towards Maya. She is epitome of what a woman should be like in contrast Maya belongs to the other extreme end. Her love is not glorified but only construed as a mistake and forgotten in vain.She is impulsive,  irresponsible, reckless, lives for the moment, passionate, poetic, stupid enough to romanticise death and everything one should never be but I fear I almost am. She only does damage to herself and people around her even if she doesn't intend to. Her poetry instills you with familiar longing and an inexplicable affliction. She is the face of the characters living insignificant lives,  meeting an unnoticed and dismal death ; earning blasphemy of society and a burden of pain.  

Shilpa #rolestroll_6

"Never try to be different. Society fears what it doesn't understand "
Movie - Superdeluxe
                             

 She is a transwomen who returns to her abandoned wife and son after many years. While the whole family is shocked and distraught after seeing her as a women the only person who is pleased is her little son Rasakutty. He has promised his friends that he would introduce his father to them as soon as he returns and put an end to everyone teasing him by calling a test tube baby. When Rasakutty asks her why she turned into a women she tells her that sometimes god makes a mistake in hurry just like when we put wrong shoe in wrong foot ;god made an error and doctor corrected it. But she had to face the disparaging remarks of her own relatives, lewd behavior of strangers, molestation and assaults by police. She isn't allowed to enter her son's school and loses her son on her way back to home. She gets petrified, searches for him for days and fights against her deep buried agony and guilt. She once trafficked two children in the past for some meagre sum of money and found those very two children later on footpath begging except that now one had lost his eye and other his leg. She assumes its her punishment for that past sin until she finds her son safe and sound at the home.We can see her as vulnerable yet audacious, a victim of society yet a fighter when she retaliated against the policeman who questions her feminity. She is cheerful yet carries a baggage of sorrow and guilt in her heart and is definitely one of the most impactful character ever seen on celluloid.

नई सुबह

बार बार बदलती करवटे 

बिस्तर की तीख़ी सी सिलवटे 

परदों के कोने से झाकती रोशनी
दिवार पर टिक टिक करती घड़ी 
बगल में खुली पड़ी एक किताब
नींद की बची मोहलत का हिसाब 
जुगनुओं की चमक सूरज में फिर खो गई 
देखो फिर एक नई सुबह हो गई हैं 

बाहर की वो होड़ और खलबली 
खिड़की से ताकती हुई वो छिपकली 
फिर एक अधूरा टूटा ख़्वाब 
डायरी के पन्नों में पड़ा सूखा ग़ुलाब
पलकों पर लिपटा अलसाया आँचल 
आँखों के नीचे बिखरा काजल 
रात की वो फ़िज़ा फिर कही खो गई   
देखो फिर एक नई सुबह हो गई 

पर नींद के घरोंदे को जोड़ते हुए 
सारी जद्दोजहद से मुँह मोड़ते हुए 
दूसरी ओर करवट लेकर हमने चादर फिर खींच ली
उस ख्वाब को पूरा करने की ज़िद में आँखे फिर मींच ली 

नींद की पनाह में हमें फिर से खोने दो 
जागे हैं हम बड़ी देर से कुछ देर सोने दो 
सपनों की जागीर को ऐसे कैसे निसार करें 
सुबह से कह दो अभी ये थोड़ा और इंतज़ार करें 

Celine # rolestroll_5

"A memory's never finished, if you really think about it"
     ~ Celine
Movie - Before trilogy
                       

She is a girl with a different and interesting outlook on everything around her. She is ravishingly beautiful and her presence feels like a soft breeze. Her words are soft and simple yet deep and inpactful. She gets out of a train with a stranger beacuse she invested her trust in him just after hearing about story of his grandmother and unusual dreams.She is incurably romantic and her process of falling in love is very close to whatever I ever imagined for myself. Like standing in a listening booth with Kath Blooms 'come here' playing in background and you feeling the his look on your face while you are looking away.I could totally relate about how she is obsessed by little things like when she tells Jesse how she remember the way his beard has a bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow,  that morning,  right before he left. She believes that one can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details.But she is also a girl who is never reciprocated the love and efforts she put in a relationship and every one of her exes just thank her for making him a better person while she is left perturbed with the fact that why didn't they choose her in the first place and starts to loose her belief in love. She feels that the idea that you could only be complete with a person is absurd and evil. She is brutally honest and totally aware and unapologetic about what she wants from life. She knows how to love without expecting anything in return throughout wax and wane. She will sing you a waltz and will make you miss that plane. 

Veera Tripathi #rolestroll_4

"जहाँ से तुम मुझे लाये हो वहाँ वापस नहीं जाना चाहती
जहाँ ले जा रहे हो वहाँ पहुंचना नहीं चाहती
पर ये रास्ता... ये रास्ता बहुत अच्छा हैं
मैं चाहती हूँ ये रास्ता कभी ख़त्म न हो "
        ~वीरा त्रिपाठी
Movie - Highway
                               

William Shakespeare said that "People usually are happiest at home" but what if your home is the place where you are inflicted harm beyond repair and everything around you reminds of horrors that snatched away your entire childhood. The bedsheets remind you that how hard you got hold of it and struggled for help when your uncle had first made a bad move on you, every corner reminds you of disgusting memories,washroom where you rubbed yourself for hours but couldn't get rid of that touch and the terrace where you walked at night wanting to get rid of the pain between your thighs that has by now become perpetual. Veera who would seem to you as the most cheerful girl, idiotic and weird sometimes but you will never hear the chaos,  screams and turbulence within her.She loved the company of her abductor and found it to be more safe than her home. She overcame her burden of silence and grief. It was a cathartic journey of self discovery and an inspiration to every person who was sexually abused as a child in any way or the other. Those who have to keep seeing that relative again and again,  smiling at them and bending to touch their feet, listening to their lies that you are the best girl because  why wouldn't they say that. Us, who have to live in a society where screams of children are hushed to maintain the prestige of family and incest is casual mistake and not a crime.Veera found freedom in bondage,  got over her fears, learnt to get rid of her pain by lessening the pain of others who are equally hurt.Its a character I can't forget even if I wanted to for the rest of my life.

Devi Pathak #rolestroll_3

"संगम दो बार आना चाहिए, एक बार अकेले एक बार किसी के साथ"
            ~देवी पाठक
Movie - Masaan
                         

 Its painful to lose someone you loved but it's worse when you can't even shed tears for them. Even though you are emotionally jarred you have to fight the unseen battles waiting ahead that you don't even deserve. Devi is a women who corrected her decision for premarital sex as curiosity rather than a crime and stood unapologetic about her sensuality. Living in a society where people leak mms of innocent girl or woman and many other buy into her shame; but it will always be she who is the one to be blamed. She faces the taunts of society,  dismissal from workplace and  constant harassment from the police; but none of this deters her from moving ahead with her life without any feeling of guilt or shame.She continues to live with the memory of her lost lover and tries to get rid of the guilt of his death in the solace of the Sangam. Her character is unforgettable and so is this movie which unravels the concept of death beautifully in following line

"ज़िन्दगी क्या है अनासिर में ज़ुहूर-ए-तरतीब, मौत क्या है इन्हीं अज़्ज़ा का परेशान होना"

Miloni Shah #rolestroll_2

"फिर जब मैंने वो अपनी फोटो देखी तो मुझे लगा कोई और ही हैं, वो मुझसे ज्यादा खुश लग रही थी " 
~ मिलोनी शाह
Movie - Photograph
                   

When I was little I didn't dream of becoming astronaut, engineer, pilot, actor and definitely not a doctor as other children would. I would look at the masons, building the first floor of my house entire day while my mother would call me downstairs to complete my homework saying if I don't study I would end up being like them. But all the while I would wonder how good their job is. I would keenly watch them setting the layers of bricks or making the cement paste. I remember everything by heart ; here, build a volcano of cement and some sand and make a hole in between, then pour some water and mix it with an axe, one quadrant at a time. I would imitate the same during dinner making a volcano out of rice, spilling daal over it and mixing it with my spoon. Sometimes I wanted to live on remote mountains with sheeps and waking up each day to feed them, cut woods, collect food from forest and cook for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wanted to be the ferryman and sometimes the person who plays iktara in front of monuments until the day I learnt that these aspirations are disparaged and downlooked in society and would be construed as lack of abilities and ambition so I gave up upon them. Also I made sure to start this piece with ' When I was little'although I still sometimes want to go back to those dreams because I don't want to be called crazy.
    When I watched the movie Photograph I was relieved to see that someone else thinks that way too. Miloni, an intelligent young girl, all set to become an CA just tooks a pause and reflects upon on what she wants after she meets a photographer who took some pictures of her. She fascinates of leaving everything behind and living in a village she has never been to, working entire day and then falling asleep under a tree and open sky.Befuddled between what life has to offer and what she wants from life,  between the people she wants to meet the people with whom she has to stay,  its about a girl with stupid yet stirring story.

Erin Brockovich #rolestroll_1

"Well,  I think I look nice. And as long as I have one ass instead of two I'll wear what I like if that's all right with you? You might want to re-think those ties."
~ Erin Brockovich
                               

The first thing I did after this movie was if this movie was to google about the P&G lawsuit and to find out it was indeed an actual, ordinary lawsuit in 1990s ; but the thing that makes it extraordinary is a feisty, weird, hot headed middle aged women. When she won a beauty peagent at an young age she believed she could conquer the world but is now unemployed, broke, divorced mother of three. When she finally do manage to get her job back ( which she lost due to maternity leave) in law firm she makes sure she gives it her best shot. She is a women who speaks her mind and blurts back if someone questions her choice of clothes. The fact that she is undereducated and is a normal clerk doesn't undermines her hope of doing something big.She delves herself into paperwork to find out about an hitherto unnoticed connection between increased health problems surrounding a company. She undertakes an independent investigation, collects evidence, gives it all her sweat and time to deduce that this giant company is unlawfully using a harmful radioisotope causing malignancy and serious diseases among people in neighboring residence. She talks to people day in and day out,  adding more plaintiffs, listening to people empathetically and deciding to fight for them not as lawyer but as one among them. She is emotional yet manipulative, unsure yet unstoppable, nervous yet undaunted. When lawyers pointed out gliches in her case telling  her she doesn't have the phone nos. of all 400 plaintiffs she asks them whose no. do they need as she knows the name,  address,phone no.,  history, diseases, family details of all those people by heart. She worked relentlessly unless the people got justice. The case was settled in 1996 for US$333 million, the largest settlement ever paid in a direct-action lawsuit in U.S. history. All of this was possible because of a crazy adamant women,who was far from being perfect; but just didn't give up on her dream and proved it that to accomplish the perfect perfecrion, little imperfection helps. 

किरदार

 खुली आँखों से दिन रात कितने ही ख़्वाब मढ़ते हैं
रोज़ एक नई कहानी यूँ ही नहीं हम पढ़ते हैं
ये किस्से और कहानियाँ ही तो यादों का दरिया बन जाती हैं
जो नहीं जी सके हकीकत में उसे जीने का ज़रिया बन जाती हैं
किन्हीं अनजान लोगों से जोड़ते हम वास्ते हैं
इन किरदारों में हम खुद को तराशते हैं
कुछ किरदार ऐसे जिनकी दास्तान लगती सबसे सही हैं
देखकर जिन्हें लगता हैं की हमारी ज़िन्दगी ऐसी क्यों नहीं हैं
 किस्मत ओर कामयाबी दोनों को ही दीदार होता हैं
ये वो हैं जिन्हें पहले पहल ही रूहानियत जैसा प्यार होता हैं
इनके कहे हर हर्फ़ पर गहरी नज़रे टिकी होती हैं
पूरी कहानी इन्हीं के लिए तो लिखी होती हैं
ये जब रोते हैं तो गम पढ़ने वाले को भी होता हैं
बीच में भले ही बुरे हो हालात पर आखिर में सब अच्छा होता हैं
मरकज़ से दूर कुछ किरदार ऐसे भी हैं जिनपे किस्मत की मेहरबानी कम हैं
भीड़ का एक चेहरा हैं जिसके हिस्से में लिखें हुए कई गम हैं
ये वो हैं जो मुख्य किरदार के अज़ीज यार होते हैं
या किसी का भूला बिसरा प्यार होते हैं
ये वो लोग हैं जो बस कहानी को बढ़ाते हैं
वो किरदार जिनके नाम हम अक़्सर भूल जाते हैं
वो जिनके पास उम्मीदों की जागीर नहीं होती
वो जिनके ख़्वाबों की ताबीर नहीं होती
जिनकी ज़िन्दगी में गम और अकेलेपन की कोई कसर नहीं होती
  खुशियाँ कहाँ इन्हें पढ़ने वाले की हमदर्दी तक मयस्सर नहीं होती
वो जिनसे रिश्ते बनाये जाते हैं तोड़ दिए जाने के लिए
आलिंगन में भरे जाते हैं बस छोड़ दिए जाने के लिए
यादों के बोझ का भार ताउम्र सहते रहते हैं
किसी के लौट आने की राह में मुन्तज़िर रहते हैं
वो जो बस अपने उन्स के बदले की थोड़ी वफ़ाई ढूँढ़ते हैं
ओर इतना हार गए हैं ज़िन्दगी से की अब सिर्फ रुसवाई ढूंढ़ते हैं
पर तुम भला क्यों इस किरदार के पीछे कायल हो
शायद जितनी वो हैं उतनी तुम भी तो घायल हो
ये जो बिन बात तुमने अश्कों से दोस्ती कर ली हैं
खुद को जो गुज़रा उसका जिम्मेदार मानने की ज़िद कर ली हैं
शादमानी की कोई झलक नहीं बस दर्द का सरमाया हैं
तुम्हारे कमरे के आईने ने तुम्हें रोज़ बस रोते ही पाया हैं
पता हैं जब तुम्हारे चेहरे पर तबस्सुम की लाली छाती हैं
जब तुम्हारी छोटी आँखें थोड़ी और छोटी हो जाती हैं
 तुम्हें वैसा देखने के लिए ये आइना तरस गया हैं
 रंजिश का वो काला बादल भी अब बरस गया हैं
क्या सही था क्या गलत उसका हिसाब अब मत करो
उस बीती कहानी के पन्नों को बार बार पलटने की रट मत करो
 हर वो चीज़ जो बांध रही तुम्हें तुम उससे राह मोड़ लो
मुझपर क्यों नहीं लिखा गया ये सोचना छोड़ दो
कि बस लिख के भुला दिया जाये इसकी तुम हक़दार नहीं
चंद पन्नों में सिमट के रह जाये ऐसा तुम्हारा किरदार नहीं
तुम उठाओ कागज़ और अपनी स्याह से भर दो
अपने वजूद को, अपनी आवाज़ को तुम पर दो
क्यों तुम्हारी भूमिका बस दूसरो की कहानी पूरी करना मात्र हो
तुम पर आधारित हो पूरी किताब तुम तो वो पात्र हो
गम की रूत लम्बी सही पर खुशियों का भी हिस्सा आएगा
किसी भरी महफ़िल में एक दिन तुम्हारा भी किस्सा आएगा
लिखो मगर इसलिए नहीं की कोई छाप छोड़ के जानी थी
या खुद को साबित करने की कोई रवानी थी
लिखो कि इन काँपते हुए हाथों को एक कलम थमानी जरुरी थी
अपनी खुदी को पाने की मानों कोई मजबूरी थी
लिखो कि ये एक अनसुना, अनकहा फ़साना था
एक किस्सा था जो सबके पहले खुद को ही सुनाना था
ओर ये छोटे छोटे किस्से ही तो हैं जो बाद में कभी दोहराये जाएंगे
क्यूँकि आख़िर में हम क्या; बस कहानियाँ ही तो बन जायेंगे |

ज़िन्दगी गुलज़ार हैँ

मैं मिस करुँगी? मिस तो शायद एक छोटा लफ्ज़ हैं नसानसात के लिए जो मैं तुम्हारे लिए रखने लगी हूँ , और अब मैं शायद खुद से डरने लगी हूँ |किसी से मोहब्बत इंसान को बहुत कमज़ोर बना देती हैं, बहुत बेबस, मजबूर, महकूम और मुझे इन तीनों चीज़ो से नफरत हैं | लेकिन उसके बावजूद तुम मेरी ज़िन्दगी का मरकज़ बनते जा रहे हो | तुम मुझसे पूछते हो की मुझे तुम्हारी क्या बात अच्छी लगती हैं ; मैं तुमसे ये कैसे कहूं की मुझे तुम्हारी कौन सी बात अच्छी नहीं लगती| अपने इर्द गिर्द तुम्हारा घूमना, मेरे वजूद से न हटने वाली तुम्हारी गहरी बोलती नज़रे, तुम्हारी हर वक़्त की तवज्जो, तुम्हारा जान छिड़कने वाला हर अंदाज़ | हर बार जब तुम मेरे माँ बाप के लिए एहतरामन खड़े रहते हो तो मैं तुम्हारे सामने झुकने लगती हूँ | इस छोटे से घर के पंखे वाले कमरे में तुम्हारी ये गहरी नींद, अपनी प्लेट को मेरी माँ के पके खाने से बार बार भरना और क्या कुछ नहीं जो मुझे तुम्हारे सामने मोम नहीं करता | पर ये सब मैं तुम्हे कभी नहीं कहूँगी, तुम्हारे हर वादे पर हसूंगी, तुम्हारी हर बात का मज़ाक़ उड़ाऊंगी | तुम मुझे संगमरमर समझते हो तो समझो, मैं तुम्हारे सामने रेत की दिवार नहीं बन सकती ; मुझे टूट जाने से खौफ आता हैं |
- कशफ मूर्तजा

What if?

From our initial years of schools we are taught about the five senses and not to forget about the enigmatic sixth sense.This belief is so entrenched in our system that any new entity,feeling or perception is right away labelled into the sixth sense without a much ado.A mind sees what it knows, and maybe there is much more to be known and discovered. The question is we would have discovered any other senses if we had any by now ;isn't it?
In ophthalmology there is a phenomenon that if a baby doesn't use his one eye in his initial years for any reason for that matter he developes ambylopia and squint is not able to see properly from the very eye. Sight one of our senses also needs a chance you see. Chance to be perceived and recognised.So everytime in the past when we dismissed something as intangible and inexplicable ; take a moment to wonder what it actually was. Give a chance to the zillion entities hidden in the pandora box of sixth sense.
What if instead of these five senses humanity had recognised and developed some other ones. Maybe there would have been no restrictions of the wavelengths we hear and we see and world would have been perceived as a whole different space. Or there would have been no thing as seeing and hearing and we could have contacted by telepathy or some other means altogether. Where instead of reading we could soak anything by osmosis and instead of tasting our source of energy would have just felt it radiating into us. What if there were some other dimension we could live in, where the definition of life was very different from what we understand. What if we are just a holographic picture of a hologram and the whole universe was an illusion. The chain of thought never ends and nor do the endless string of questions.
I choose to  imagine a world where I could hear a picture or touch a fragrance because why not? And to not believe the color you see and I see to be the same. And to believe every spoken words I refrain. I choose to believe my instincts, observe things even when I am told to be wrong because somebody rightly said that 'There is no consensus on the census of senses'.

रूबरू

 (9.01.2019 अदब,
Poetry competition, judged by Rekhta )

नमस्कार, खुशामदीद इस अदब  की महफ़िल में आपकी खिदमत हैं
और नाम परिचय में कुछ रखा नहीं कि वो इस नज़्म कि तरह बेमतलब हैं
ये वो नज़्म है जिसमे न मोहब्बत और न दीवानगी का जिक्र हैं
बस खुद से रूबरू न हो पाने की छोटी सी फिक्र हैं
बात कुछ दिन पहले कि हैं जब रात एक चुप   सी थी
और एक अजीब सी न ख़त्म होने वाली सवालों की दुनिया में मैं गुम सी थी
वो क्या हैं न exams का रुत था, ज़िन्दगी पहले से ही तंग थी
अपने आप के वजूद को पाने की शायद ये छोटी सी जंग थी
अजीब से सवाल थे जो इस मन में खटक रहे थे
Cp की गोल गलियोमें जैसे राह भटक रहे थे
मन में बस बेचैनी और  इज़्तिराब था
कुछ न होने का गम, कुछ बनने का ख्वाब था
Hostel की चार दीवारों में  घुट दम गया था
बिना कुछ सोचे यूँही तब  बाहर का रुख़सत किया था
चलते चलते सोचती की जो कल तक था यकीन  हर छोटी गुंजाइश में
आज फिर क्यों बँधी हुई हू मैं औरो की नुमाइश में
खुद को ही कोस रही, खुद ही की मेहरम बनी थी
सामने जब  देखा तो अस्पताल के बाहर खड़ी थी
सड़क किनारे इस सर्दी में  पतली चादर ओढ़े लेटे कुछ लोग थे  मजबूर
बस अपनों की खैरियत  की एक खबर सुनने को  नासबूर
अंदर गई तो लोग बहुत थे पर दिखाई देते बड़े बीमार वो
मालूम होता जैसे अपनी कफ़न से  मुस्तआर हो
लेटे हुए थे लिपटे  बहुत से तारों के जंजाल में
बोतलों से टपकती बूंदो को ताकने लगी बहरहाल मैं
कुछ मरीज़ थे यहाँ सालों से अब तो यहीं उनका घर था
मौत से रोज़ एक जंग थी पर  आँखों मे अब न कोई डर था
चारों तरफ ख़ामोशी का पहरा था
हर शख्स के सर पे गर्दिश का सेहरा था
ज़िन्दगी  के बदन पे जैसे मौत का लिबास था
एक एक सांस के लिए भी मशीनो का एहतियाज़ था
इधर मंदिर पे प्रसाद चढ़ा था, उधर किसी ने पढ़ी नमाज़ थी
ऊपर वाले से सलामती की एक ही नियाज़ थी
icu का शीशे से एक शख्श दिखा जिसकी साँसे अब चल नहीं रही थी
बिजली के झटको से भी बात अब बन नहीं रही थी
स्क्रीन पे  चलती लाइन अब न गिर न उठ  रही थी
 चेहरा ढक दिया गया था  और डॉक्टरों की भीड़ अब छठ रही थी
बाहर बैठा उसका छोटा बेटा जिसपे नजाने कितने ऑपरेशन का क़र्ज़ हैं
अचानक महसूस हुआ की मेरा ज़मीर कितना खुदगर्ज हैं
सालों पढ़ते रह गए पर कितने नाफ़हम थे हम
दुनिया में इतना गम था खुद का गम था कितना कम
जो इधर मगरूर हैं हम अपने खुदी  को पाने की कोशिश में
उधर कोई बैठा हैं अपने किसी को खो देने की  रंजिश में
उस बच्चे को थामने की मगर मुझमे जहमत नहीं थी
सही मायने में जिसे दर्द कहते हैं उससे नज़र मिलाने की मेरी हिम्मत नहीं थी
तभी कहीं से किसी नवजात बच्चे के आवाज़ आई
अभी तो कोई सोया था मौत के आगोश में
और अभी किसी ने ज़िन्दगी की परवाज लगाई
पता चला वो जो एक बुजुर्ग  थे coma मे उन्होंने सालों बाद आँखों को खोला हैं
वो लड़की थी न जो बोल नहीं सकती थी ना उसने आज अपना पहला हर्फ़ बोला हैं
 ख़ुशी और गम का ये अजीब मेल था
सोचकर ताज्जुब हुआ की खुदा का ये कौन सा खेल था
जो तराश रही थी दुनिया में,  सब कुछ तो अंदर था
मरकज़ में था ज़मीर तो, बाहर बस बवंडर था
जाना कि ज़िन्दगी एक कारवां हैं जो यूँ ही बढ़ता रहेगा
खुदको पाने, पाकर खोने का सिलसिला यूँ ही चलता रहेगा
फिर कुछ याद आया जो शायद किसी किताब में पढ़ा था
फ़ाज़ली जी ने खुद अपने अल्फाज़ो  में लिखा था
कि हर घड़ी खुद से उलझना हैं मुकद्दर मेरा
मैं ही कश्ती हूँ, मुझी में हैं समंदर मेरा
किससे पूछूँ की कहाँ गुम हूँ बरसो से
हर जगह ढूंढ़ता फिरता हैं मुझे घर मेरा
एक से हो गए मौसमो के चेहरे सारे
मेरी आँखों से कहीं खो गया मंजर मेरा
मुद्दते बीत गई ख्याब सुहाना देखे
जागता रहता हैं हर नींद में बिस्तर मेरा
आइना देखके निकला था मैं घर से बाहर
आज तक हाथ में मेहफ़ूज़ हैं पत्थर मेरा 

Legally yours

(Inspired by the movie Aligarh because some movies stays with you for beyond the two hours and the historical Section 377 verdict )
                         

Hey love, its just about a thought that came
Just tell me if you ever felt the same
Its not your caress but stares getting under my skin
That love and shame now sound akin
This thing between us that we cherish
Is nothing in this world but a blemish
These judgments, laws and externality
Smothering boundaries of morality
For we broke the laws of love they laid
To love who,how and how much they said
LGBTQ,in five simple letters I get defined
Along with my dignity it was humanity purloined
Its not the gender but for the person you fall
Unnatural and unholy whatever they call
I can't change myself for some senseless decree
Believe it or not its involuntary you see
After years of self loath and hide
I have finally found my pride
And I no longer want to convince or please
For there is no cure for what is not a disease
They who make my identity a debate
Love is a endless circle that can never be straight
A little more confident & little more brave
Now I am legally yours to have.