Schrödinger's cat

 "All of us are unknowing cats, alive and dead at once, and of all the might-have-beens in between, we record only one." 

              ~ Yoon ha lee ( Conversation of Shadows )

Schrödinger's cat is  familiar slang but first things first lets know the context where it came from.Erwin Schrödinger (one of the pioneer of quantum physics)was frustrated with something he himself created. The concept of Superimposition was something he couldn't accept ;so much so that he gave up physics and started researching in biology. Superimposition which means an object can be in two different states at the same time. To show the absurdity of this phenomenon he gave a reference of hypothetical experiment of a cat.All the conditions he assumed could either lead to any one of the two conditions, the cat is dead or alive, and ofcourse nothing in between, thus offering the certitude that superimposition couldn't be applied on macro objects.

One year back I saw a vagabond on my way back to home. Wearing clothes tattered from every nook corner and carrying a box that was tarnished with time. Though I usually don’t talk to strangers but I asked   the man what was in the box out of curiosity because that box seemed so lavish and beautiful for collecting mere begging. The man was an megalomaniac and I had heard stories about him and his delusions. After blabbering something nonsensical for a while he told that he has pet parrot inside the box. I walked ahead thinking he was joking but later I got to know that he did have a parrot who read tarot cards and did small tricks and shows . Seeing him getting old and frail the man kept him inside the box and feed it seeds inside the box through the keyhole.Too afraid to see if it’s  dead or alive, too afraid to say goodbye to his only companion through years.For him his parrot’s life existed in the state of quantum superimposition; both possible and impossible at the same time. Half dead ,half alive .Sometimes life appears to be like these boxes whose existence is to prove the very absurdity of its existence. A few days after I heard that his keyhole weren’t accommodating anymore seeds .

दिसम्बर

 

एक सपना बहुत सालों बाद फिर दिखा

उलझन सी थीं ;सब नासाफ था

दिसंबर की धुंध थीं

और न ख़त्म होने वाला रास्ता

फिर एक कोने पर तुम दिखाई दिए

पर वो सालों पहले का चेहरा था

और तुममें मैंने अपना पुराना प्रतिबिम्ब देखा

दूसरे ही पल तुम ओझल हो गये

और मैं बस ढूंढ रही हूँ

कोहरा ढल जाने के बाद भी

हर मोड़, हर पगडंडी पर

पर तुम कहीं नहीं

ये सपना था या मेरी कल्पना

ठीक याद नहीं

अक़्सर दोनों में भ्रान्ति होती है

पर एक चीज़ साफ हैं कि

मेरी कल्पनाओं में भी हम साथ नहीं 

किसी चीज़ को भुलाना 

अफ़सोस से निकल पाना

इतना मुश्किल क्यूँ होता हैं

एक पल को लगता हैं

अतीत से आगे बढ़ आये हैं

यादों को कहीं गहरा दफना आये हैँ

पर फिर कोई तस्वीर दिखती हैं

कोई पुरानी रसीद मिलती हैं

एक तारीख़ जो चाह के भी खुद के लिए आम नहीं हैं 

वो रास्ते जिस पर चल पाना अब भी आसान नहीं हैं 

एक गाना जो हर बार सुनना भारी लगता हैं

वो रुमाल जिसको जला देने का मन हर बारी करता हैं 

तब काश थोड़ी हिम्मत जुटाई होती

मन की बात बतलाई होती

जो बीत गया वो वापस कहाँ आता हैं 

बस ठीस का एक कतरा रह जाता हैं

ये होता तो क्या होता,

किसी और की आँखों से सब कैसा लगता हैं 

जो कभी तुम्हारा था ही नहीं

उसको खोना कैसा लगता हैं

शायद गलती मेरी नहीं

गलती इस महीने की हैं

सारे महीने आसानी से बीत जाते हैं 

बस ये आख़िरी अटकता हैं

बहुत मायनों में खटकता हैं

इसपर आने वाले साल के

सारे सपनें और  लक्ष्य सवार हैं

इस महीने को बीते हर साल की 

नाउम्मीदियों का बोझ करार हैं

दिसंबर की उस धुंध में

आज फिर खुद को पाया हैं

पिछले साल जितना ही

लाचार मेरा साया हैं

तुम धुंध में खो गये

क्यूँकि मैं तुम्हें ढूंढ़ रही थीं

और तुम कुछ और

और सच बतायूँ तो अब

भटक कर थक गई हूँ मैं

अभी आने वाले कल में ढलना सीखना हैं

अभी मुझे थोड़ा चलना सीखना हैं 

Lyrics we love #10

 

Lyrics we love #9

 

Lyrics we love #8

 

Fleabag #rolestroll_19

 "Maybe happiness isn't what you believe, but who you believe" 

After seeing any work of Phoebe Waller Bridge awe is secondary reaction, the first one is pure envy. Envy of what brilliant and ahead of her contemporaries her writing is. Her brutally honest portrayal  of a British woman who is what one never want to end up into. A failure on every front; or is she?She is a screwed up protagonist, juggling amidst a dysfunction family, pathetic job and messy relationship. But atleast she is honest and has no facade unlike the seemingly happy and successful folks around her. When she said that either everyone feels like this a little bit and they aren't just talking about it or I'm completely fucking alone ; that line hits you on another level.Her view about life compels us to rethink and redefine our definition on most things. Her smile is infectious and her helplessness is aching. There is a strong cohesion in the parts when she disconnects from her surrounding and talks one on one with you. And even with her imperfections, depravity, idiosyncrasies and flaws she comes out to be the most perfect in the world she is.Knowing there won't be third season is so upsetting.

Lyrics we love #7

 

Lyrics we love #6

 

Lyrics we love #5

 

Lyrics we love #4

 

Lyrics we love #3

 

Lyrics we love #2

 

Lyrics we love #1

 

Ria Verma #rolestroll_18

 

Movie - Monsoon wedding 

The story centres around a big fat Indian wedding in Delhi where Punjabi family reunites after years. Ria is the cousin of the bride nearing her thirties and constantly taunted for still being unmarried. She shows interest in pursuing writing as a career during the function which the family doesn't welcome well. She feels disgruntled when a Tej, a far relative of him offers to pay for his further studies. She constantly tries to eschew any interaction with him until she sees him cornering  her ten years old relative Alia. She decides to protect her and confront the situation.  Finally reveals her being molested as a child and how horrified and disgusted it left her feeling. But the family doesn't really show any empathy towards her assuming it to be a stint just to seek attention. Nobody comes in her support and she leaves the  wedding in tears. All these years of silence and trauma only to end with disbelief and more pain. Its appalling to see how these molesters and pedophiles always get through because of their power and reputation and its the girl who has to deal with the blasphemy of the world as if she willed all of this to happen. How the person who is meant to behave like a father figure and protect you damages you in ways not even a enemy would do. Instead of receiving justice for it all the woman gets is the burden and pain of untold truth which if revealed will do much more damage to her than the one who molested her. Ria proved to be an epitomy of courage and power.  She tries in all her desperation to prevent another girl going through the same fate which proves to be the main thread of the film. 

मैं तुम्हें फिर मिलूंगी

( rendition of Amrita Pritam's  timeless piece on 101th birth anniversary )

                        

मैं तुम्हें फिर मिलूंगी 

कहाँ, कैसे पता नहीं 

शायद किसी गाने की धुन में 

जो ज़ेहन में कसक दे जाएगी 

या किसी पुरानी तस्वीर में 

जो अब ट्रैश में ही मिल पायेगी 

तुम्हारे कपड़ो की तह में 

मेरी गंध धीरे धीरे ख़त्म हो जाएगी 

उन तमाम लम्हों की याद में 

जिन्हें अब कभी नहीं दोहराएंगी 

पर मैं तुम्हें फिर मिलूंगी 

कहाँ, कैसे पता नहीं 

किसी सुबह की चाय जैसे 

गलती से तुम पर उझल जाउंगी 

कोई आतिश फ़िज़ा बनके 

छूकर तुम्हें बह जाउंगी 

वो एक गलती बनकर शायद 

जो जान कर भी कर देते हो तुम 

बारिश की पहली छीटों में 

जब अपनी बाहें खोल लेते हो तुम 

मैं तुम्हें फिर मिलूंगी 

कहाँ, कैसे पता नहीं 

मिसालों में, सवालों में 

बेबसी की ढलानों में 

इंतजार में, तलाश में 

ग़म ए फ़राज़ में 

किसी महफ़िल की अफ़सानो में 

अजनबी तरानों में 

मैं तुम्हें फिर मिलूंगी 

पर कहाँ, कैसे, पता नहीं... 

The dictum of a mob

"हमारे देश में सबसे आसान काम आदर्शवाद बघारना है और फिर घटिया से घटिया उपयोगितावादी की तरह व्यवहार करना है। कई सदियों से हमारे देश के आदमी की प्रवृत्ति बनाई गई है अपने को आदर्शवादी घोषित करने की, त्यागी घोषित करने की| "

          ~हरिशंकर परसाई ( आवारा भीड़ के खतरे )

 

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I don't know enough.  But what has been happening around us in past few months is quiet distasteful and disturbing . An actor is found dead in his apartment who has been a diagnosed case of depression for years. Ofcourse how it happened remains unclear and if it was a foul play the investigation is in process.  But what became stark during this time was a herd mentality of witch hunting where compassion is dead and the news reporting gone from bad to abysmal. 

A person loses his life. Instead of paying the due respect that he deserved, a mockery and criminal case is made out of it. When a thing like happens its a caveat for us to relook the importance of mental health,  be a little more aware of its consequences, rethink about being a little more sensible towards our interpersonal relationship  because you know not what the other person might be suffering from. Sadly thats the tough way in this time of instant gratification. Trolling, hate comments, hitting a dislike and sharing memes is far easy to gratify one that they have done their part in something good. Its day and age of online verdict, cyber bullying and lynching ; even after the investigation if the person comes out to be clean will that acquittal be enough for the person to start the life where she left.

I felt baffled initially but now I get why it has become what it has become. A filmstar having committed suicide for reasons known to him is a mundane news. The narrative we would rather be interested in is murder, controversy, adultery,  money laundering,  nepotism. People opportune it to spill out their instored hate and passive aggression. In a scenario where there are serious crimes,  murders, rapes, abuse happening round the country,  we have become a suicide capital,  but the national discourse is skewed towards this. The way we have chosen to show support doesn't that impact the mental health of people recklessly targeted. If our compassion is selective it might as well be dead. In subliminal consciousness I am aware its possible that even one of the allegations if proved out to be true then the internet would flood with people with conceited sense of victory thrashing the few who didn't believe otherwise and so I started writing it all with a 'maybe '.

Neeli #rolestroll_17

 

Movie - Qissa

As a child I remember playing dressup,  draping saree on my little brother and adorning him into a cute little sister. But I was unable to solicit a reaction to the story of a Punjabi girl, Kanwar whom his father raised out of his whim as a boy. She was asked to tighten a band around her chest, learn wrestling, driving and living a splintered reality thats not hers. Along with her there is another girl Neeli who becomes part of this abject misery after the two have been married off. Neeli, a goofy village girl who finds her being married to the most affluent family too good to be true to soon coming in terms with the treachery that has been done to her. Her retaliation is tried to be suppressed and placated by jewels and gifts as a price to stay quiet. Despite being cheated she doesn't hold it against Kanwar, realising that her life is far more distraught than hers. From there what blossoms is beautiful friendship and compassion. Neeli rebels by a failed attempt to elope but when her father in law finds that out he tried to rape her. When Kanwar tries to stop him he tells her to go inside as this is the only way this family can get a son.  This leaves Kanwar with no option but to shoot her father dead. From there Neeli helps Kanwar to start a new life and finally grab this moment of freedom to unravel who she really is, but the task is not easy. The two are not lovers, neither sisters and their relationship needn't fit any box that society has created. Neeli makes Kanwar aware about her sexuality and a sense of identity that was long detached from her. Neeli is vivacious and forbearing. She constantly yet patiently lets Kanwar shed her feathers of manhood and like a phoenix start anew.  

Madhubani paintings

 

बादल

कभी बादलों को बातें करने सुना हैं तुमने? 

आज बरसना हैं या सिर्फ गरज कर बह जाना हैं 

सूरज को अभी यूँ ही थोड़ा सताना हैं 

मेघदूत बनकर यक्ष का कोई सन्देश पहुँचाना हैं 

आख़िर ये क्या ढूंढते होंगे 

बहती हवाओं से शायद रास्ता पूछते होंगे 

बंज़र ज़मीन ने अक़्सर बुलाया होगा 

उस किसान की बेबसी ने कभी तो रुलाया होगा 

जब छोटी थीं तो लगता था कोई इनके ऊपर रहता होगा 

बिजली गिराकर अपनी बात कहता होगा 

बारिश के लिए बादल में कोई सुइयाँ चुभाता होगा 

कोई तो इनमे रंग मिलाता होगा 

जब आसमां में रंग बदलते हैं 

काले बादल एक दूसरे पर चलते हैं 

सतरंगी धनुष जब निकलता हैं 

बादल पर पाँव रखने को जी करता हैं 

बेवक्त आ जाना इनकी रिवायत हैं 

पर इससे मुझे न कोई शिकायत हैं

क्यूँकि बारिश से ठीक पहले के मौसम 

अपने साथ लाता हैं एक ठहराव का सबब 

नास्टैल्जिया की बहती हवा 

बुनती यादों की कितनी कड़ी हैं  

बारिश की ठंडी पहली बूँद 

जो अभी बस तुम पर पड़ी हैं 

जानती हूँ कुछ नहीं बस भाँप होना बादल की सच्चाई हैं 

पर मेरे लिए अभी भी ये आसमां में बहती रहस्यमयी रजाई हैं 

हर चीज़ में अफ़साने ढूंढ़ने की ये आदत हैं पुरानी 

सो थोड़ा सा बादल, थोड़ा सा पानी... और इक कहानी 

अधूरापन

पुरानी आदत है मेरी 

सब कुछ आधा छोड़ देने की 

अधूरे शौक़, अधूरी ख्वाहिशें 

अधूरी मिन्नतें, अधूरी रंजिशे 

जैसे की वो तस्वीर जो पूरी करनी थीं 

 फिलहाल बस लकीरें हैं 

सफ़ेद कागज़ पर खींची 

अंजान, बेनाम लकीरें

बहुत सी कहानियाँ

जिनकी शुरुआत और अंजाम पढ़ा है 

बीच में लिखा सब कुछ 

मैंने बस कल्पनाओं में गढ़ा है 

तमाम वो कसमें , तमाम अफ़साने 

अधूरापन ज़िन्दगी का तर्ज़ हो गया 

तमाम वो सपने जिन्हें पाना था 

मगर जूनून कुछ खर्च हो गया

वो जो बीता और गुज़रा 

जिसे उसी वक़्त बोलना चाहा 

बिखर कर, टूट कर 

खुद को ही जोड़ना चाहा 

शब्द भी थे, बसीरत भी 

सुना जाने की जरुरत भी 

गर्दिश भी थीं, दस्तूर था 

नज़्म को फिर भी अधूरा छूटना मंज़ूर था 

महसूस होने और बयां कर पाने 

के बीच में होता एक फासला है 

उसे तय करना शायद 

वक़्त ही सिखाता हैं 

बहुत बातें अधूरी छोड़ी हैं मैंने 

इसलिए नहीं की कुछ बोलने को नहीं था 

हर्फ़ आ गये थे ज़बान तक 

शायद कह पाने का हौसला नहीं था 

अभी तक सोचती हूँ कि 

काश बोल दिया होता 

संकोच और लिहाज़ का 

एक धागा खोल दिया होता 

वो अधूरी मुलाक़ात, अधूरी हामी 

जो अलविदा जिसमें कुछ तो था बाक़ी 

सपनों में मैंने जाने से पहले एक बार रोका था 

जाके भूल न जाना, ऐसे कहकर टोका था

न जाने की मैंने सारी वज़ह गिनाई थीं 

नहीं भी जो पूछा, वो सारी बात बताई थीं 

चाहे असलियत में कितने ही अधूरे हैं 

 मेरे ख्यालों में हम हर मायने में पूरे हैं 

Pooja #rolestroll_ 16

तेरी उम्मीद पर ठुकरा रहा हूँ दुनिया को

तुझको भी खुद पर ये ऐतबार हैं की नहीं 

दबा दबा ही सही 

दिल में प्यार हैं की नहीं

Movie - Arth

Pooja is an orphan who is financially and emotionally dependent on her husband who once happened to be his friend. He is surreptitiously in relationship with other woman and leaves Pooja. She vacates the apartment that she had decorated with such exuberance. She finds it ironic that how the other day she told her maid that she should leave her alcoholic husband living with another woman and she herself meets the same fate. She starts living in Working women hostel and struggles to find a job. She is helped and encouraged by Raj,  a budding artist who has adulation for her. At one instance when her husband comes to meet her to get divorce paper signed she deliberately asks her what the date is to remind him its her birthday but he clearly doesn't remember that. It's aching to see that a how people mark a shelf life to every relationship.  Once it's over so is the importance that you once held in their life. She simply smiles and moves on. Throughout the story she evolves from a person who is largely dependent, mushy to becoming a stoic, strong headed and self dependent.  Her husband's mistress suffers from schizophrenia that maybe stems from the realisation of having ruined Pooja's life. Pooja goes to her and assures her that she shouldn't blame herself.  Afterall forgiveness is important not because its about being the bigger person but because of the fact that it is only beneficial for your inner peace. There is no end to hatred and neither can it change the fact that you were wronged. At the end of the day its about how you recover from your setbacks and emerge a little stronger and immune to the treachery of the world. In her case she helps her maid's daughter and decides to bear the onus of the child's education and upbringing. 

Ratna #rolestroll _15

लाइफ ख़त्म नहीं होती हैं सर,  इतना ही कहना था

Movie - Sir

Ratna became a widow at the age of nineteen after being married against her will to a man who was chronically ill, just because they didn't demand any dowry. Back in village it meant an end to woman's life.She chose not to live as a baggage and start afresh. She moved to Bombay to work as an househelp to Ashwin who was an affluent well settled man. Ratna always felt that life is always easier for rich people until she saw her boss who once aspired to be an writer but had to leave everything to  handle family business and recently had his marriage being called off. She happens to be the only person who understood and inspired him. Afterall pain and dejection are inevitable, but misery is always optional.  It depends on us, what we make out of whatever that was wronged. Ratna choses to pursue learning tailoring and become a fashion designer one day. But its not as easy given how classist and biased is the society that we live in. She takes pride in being a servant,  does her work with utmost dignity and sincerity ; sends her savings back to village so that her younger sister complete her education. Ashwin enamoured her for who she was and once tells her that she is very brave while he couldn't be like her. She replies okay to that and rushes to know what the word brave actually meant. Things complicate when along with a mutual respect a sexual tension develope between them. Ashwin even contemplates to marry her but Ratna very politely yet affirmately declines the proposal as she didn't want to become a joke in front of the society. She choses to move out of the apartment with all her dignity and again start from scratch while also motivating Ashwin to choose to follow what he always wanted to do and gather the courage to break free of the social and emotional baggage that he has carried so long.

Joy Newsome #rolestroll_14

"Scared is what you are feeling, brave is what you are doing"

Movie - Room

Abducted at the age of seventeen and held in captive in a cramped garden shed for past seven years, Joy still had a ray of hope left that one day she will see the world with his five year old son Jack. Jack was told that this little room was the entire world and what he sees beyond the skylight is outer space. People they see on tv are unreal and their captor( his father ) who comes every night with food is not real but magic. Until one day when Joy gathered strength to say an end to this pathetic being and repeated rape and tried to tell her son the reality about the world. With her unwavering efforts she succeeds in somehow breaking out but rather than being happy she fells into the abyss of depression only to be revived back by his son.  A boy who till the age of five thought that a small room in which he is confined is the entire world and is finding hard time to come in terms of reality. The whole movie is set through his eyes and perspective,  about how even after breaking out he still misses the room,  that he still thinks most things about the room is still unreal,  that he was more happy when there were just two of them and feels a strange confinement even after getting freed. The story is emotionally sumptuous and left me with tears that have still not stopped ; questions that still lay unanswered ; an ache that lingers so strongly and most importantly a hope that time heals everything.  

Pen Sketches

Ek Mulaqat (2045)

August 2045
Paris
6:00 pm

I walked out of the taxi and looked at the big board in front of me. Charles de Gaulle Airport.  Should I make a call?  Should I go inside and wait? The clock struck six.He should be here any moment.  There were no new texts but I kept checking and rechecking my inbox while sauntering around aimlessly. The evening had turned dusky and pleasant zephyr blowing my soon to be grey hairs. I don't know why but my heart was pounding recklessly. I thought of calling Sanchita once to tell her that I have reached safely but she wasn't answering the call. Should I have come leaving her in a complete strange country that too on the first day of college. Should I tell Raghav about this sudden change of plan? Won't I get late for the return flight?  Should I return back to London and tell Rachit that I couldn't come? These doubts continued to gnaw me and then there were you coming towards me with a smile that hadn't aged a day since I last saw you. Smiling back was almost a reflex.

" Am I late Madam? " you said while sprucing up your hair.
" Yes, as always " I said while trying to take a moment and picture you vividly in that moment.
" I am so sorry for calling you like this out of a sudden. Its just I saw this post about Sanchita making it to Oxford and knowing that you were here I just couldn't refrain. I hope she is not mad at you for leaving too soon."
"No, she is not. Afterall it was her who convinced me to go and dropped me to the train "
"  How was London? "
" New. Well I have to catch my return flight to India from there for which I have to leave from here in about five hours. So you better hurry and show me the city."
" Okay.. okay relax. Take a breath and lets eat first " you said and ordered a cab.
" Whats with you and eating. " I sneered and followed him.

The restaurant smelt of malt and had a very boisterous vibe. Teacups jangling and people speaking at top of their voice.
" I am really not hungry" I said
" I am. Dont worry I'll just get something packed.  This used to be my hangout place during the college days. Just wanted to see what all changed through the years"
" I have been here. Twenty years ago"
"Wait what. How come"
" My honeymoon. I remembered all the places you mentioned in your mails you used to write, and I have a very sharp memory you see. I tricked Raghav into going to all those places. Last time I came here I wondered on which chair you had been sitting all these years. Which dish would you order. Had you moved to the museum first or the Hall of mirrors when you visited Palace of Versailles. And many more stupid things like that.I hope today I'll get all my answers. " I tried to not say anything more as you  seemed a little uneased.
"Woah.. you have already seen the city. Tell me what you have not seen and we will go there. "
" I want to see everything with you " I didn't say the word again.

We are standing in front of the Eiffel Tower.  This is a surreal feeling.  Not that I am seeing it for the first time but just the feeling that I had imagined this moment a zillion times in my dreams and now when I am here with you at last; I am transfixed yet frozen. You picked up a tress blowing on my face and placed it at the back of my ear nonchalantly.
" You haven't aged really.. I must say" you said.
"But you have. Grey hairs and wrinkled eyes. "
" What next. The museums will close very soon. So we must.."
" Stay" I said placing my hands on yours watching the lights adorning the building that have just turned on.
" I don't know if I should be interfering in your personal life Sandhya, but I got to know about you and Raghav getting seperated."
" We have. Its been six years now."
"I  am sorry. Did he..."
"Don't be.  There is nothing to be sorry about.Why is it that when a relationship ends we always try to find one which of the two person wronged or is to be blamed. It was mutual decision and if there's anyone to blame its me. I quit my job and started an NGO with few friends of mine. There was so much ground work to be done and I kept returning late to home. It was he who looked after our daughter.Lately I shifted to Himachal after Sanchita 's admission was finalised but we have been living seperately for years now. He has been always honest and always supportive. He is getting married and I am more than happy for him. There is no bitterness whatsoever. "
" But I heard that he had a secret affair with...."
" People like to gossip Rachit. His relationship was never a secret from me. People like to scandalise thing, victimise or blame people. I stopped hearing to the society long back"

We both are ambling through the less travelled roads of the city.There is a strange feeling of belongingness  I could sense. I read the direction boards reading Rue Lepic, Paris.A quiver ran down my spine.
" Isn't this the place where Vincent van Gogh and Theo lived. He had his first studio here." I jolted with surprise.
" I am not very sure" you replied.
" You remember how you said you could paint starry nights better than him whenever you saw it in your room."
You grinned.
" Its an amazing city by the way"
" I don't find anything amazing about it" you said while trudging ahead.
" You know a few blocks away Picasso had invented Cubism. Alfred Camus had completed the first manuscript of 'The Stranger'  in a lonely hotel of Paris. This city has rich history and art ingrained in it. Its amazing at least to me."
" You seem to know the city better than me I believe " you smiled.
" I remember how you never liked that book. When the protagonist said that he couldn't recollect whether her mother died yesterday or day before that. How you got so angry at him for his complete apathy towards her mother"  I recollected. You remained grim and silent for a while.
" Now when I realise I find myself worse than that person Sandhya. What good did I do. I wasn't there with Mom in her last days. Last time we talked I yelled at her for disturbing one of the client meeting. I am a terrible terrible person." you said while breaking into tears.
"Thats not true Rachit. Don't be too hard on yourself " I hugged him tight.

" No I am a a very bad person. I never kept anyone happy and thats why I was never happy myself. I wished I could be a person like you. So selfless,  considerate,  pure. A person who could do no wrong."
" You have a wrong perception about me then. I am nothing like that" I drawled, trying to look away from your eyes.
" That's just your humility speaking. You work incessantly for the sexually abused children and women, trying to rehabilitate them, even rescue them. You gave up your job which paid you handsome amount of money for people you don't even know. Not many people can do that. Not many people are so selfless"
" I do that for selfish motives"
"Cmon Sandy...learn to take a compliment "
" I don't deserve that compliment " I snapped.
" Ofcourse you do... so tell me whats the worst thing you have done in your life.  Wait.. let me guess... In school you tore apart Swati's notebook because she liked me... right...or maybe when you sneaked for a tour with your friends without telling Aunty"
" I almost killed a man"

You stood there paralysed and staggered.
" He must have harmed you... I mean....why else...." you said after a pause.
" That doesn't matter... I tried to kill a man"
" Sandhya,  please sit. I don't know if you would like to share it but please describe everything to me no...this is all very hard to absorb...when...who? "
" You knew him. Kartik uncle"
" Why.. I mean...this is so confusing...you are serious right? "
" Yeah..pretty much...I don't want to talk about it."
" Please Sandhya...Don't do this. If I have ever mattered in your life... if you have even a little trust in me then please talk about this. Please open up. I am beginning to worry...please... I am listening " you pleaded while dissembling your tears.
"When I was seven he had come home during his college vacations. He sexually abused me. Not once..not twice. Literally everytime he could manage to. Trying to pave way his fingers into ways that were not formed yet. It was painful. It was disgusting. I acted if I was asleep...trying not to wince out of the pain or others will get to know. I prayed everyday that today he doesn't do anything. I thought I had committed some grave mistake for which god is making me repent. This is the only first and vivid memory of my childhood. One day I got up in the middle of his deeds with my hands spilled with his semen(which I then thought was urine) and started to wash my hands as a small rebellion from my part. He smirked at me and asked me in front of everyone what I was washing. I got petrified. I thought of telling this to mummy but was not sure if she would believe me. Or if he got to know would he be crueler. "
I turned for the first time to see your face. There were tears but no judgements in your eyes.

" He left in a couple of days. I used to have nightmares of him returning to home. Whenever he used to call mummy I felt a turmoil within myself. But slowly I made a concious effort to forgive and forget. After six years he came back again.  Now that he was doing a job in Delhi. You knew him..right. He used to sometimes solve your doubts in maths and physics. But the same thing started happening again. There were always promises of this being the last time but that never happened. I everyday gathered courage to go and tell mummy but used to always breakdown at the last moment. She had her own ordeals and battle and I didn't know what the outcome might be. Now that I knew what it really meant and what could be the consequences I was completely helpless and devastated. Everyday when I bathed I tried to scrub myself so hard, almost hurting myself to get rid of the disgusting touch. Would time to time try to check if my genitals had any injury or bleeding. I tried escaping to your home whenever I could cause that home seemed way safer. That's the reason why when you vacated your flat I felt that my real home is lost forever. "

"But why did he do that? Did he have any mental problem? " your voice trembling as you said that.
" I always tried to find that out. Why a person who is so dignified and so adorable in everyone's eyes is a demon to me. It was only in last few years that I realised that the people who do this are absolute normal.  They are even very influential, charming, manipulative enough to win everyone's trust. But back in those days I kept convincing myself that this person has some mental condition and needs help. So don't hate him. I tried but he always made things hard for me. Sometimes he would shove up his penis deep into my throat and wouldn't allow me to spit the ejaculate saying its nutritious. And I am telling you this not to tell you the gravity of situation but because when a teenage girl coming from a life of struggles trying to carve up dreams for herself sees that this is what her existence is reduced to...she loses hope...she loses confidence.. she loses the ability to fight. This realisation is far more painful than the pain between your thighs that you have now become accustomed to."

" Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you let me fight for you? " you somehow managed to say through your choked throat.
" I couldn't.  I always turned to you for solace but I never knew how you would react. That time I thought you would stop talking to me and that I would lose you. I couldn't afford to lose you at any cost. You remember when we both watched the movie Highway, how I kept crying for hour and you just hugged me all the while trying to silence me. You were my Mahabir. You always have been. Losing you was and still is the most dreadful dream."

" I would have never done that Sandhya"
" I know. But I was too naive to comprehend it at that point of time. I accepted all suffocation that my life was now imbued with. I knew I had to come out of this.. do something in life. I tried to study but it took time to overcome the trauma of his each abuse and when I actually got out there was another weekend and he was again there.  I got burdened with syllabus. Unlike you my family couldn't afford any tuitions so self study was the only way. So I decided to take a leave on a week day from school.  This was back when we were in eleventh. Unlike any other day he tried doing what he always used to do; his fingers where they were always expected to be and I tried changing rooms, trying to be in front of mummy.  But it was winters, mummy would ask me to go back in the quilt. Getting freezed in the cold was way better but I couldn't tell my mom why. In the afternoon mummy went to pick up Sarthak from the bus stand which would mean me being alone in the flat with my uncle for fifteen minutes. I had a premonition that something very wrong is going to happen. As soon as she bolted the door he suddenly leapt on top of me like a animal.  Undressed me by force and started thrusting into me. I cried for help..there was nobody. I  wished any neighbour could hear me..there were none. I resisted... wishing I had little more power.  I gave up and kept lying there silently in tears. He stopped not because I was crying but because he couldn't penetrate somehow. Something inside me had broken that day. When Mummy and Sarthak returned he asked me to get up otherwise Mummy will notice. I kept lying there lifeless. He left. When mummy came I closed my eyes not able to meet my eyes with hers. She retorted me for taking a leave and then sleeping at home. Asked me to go and clear my doubts with the man whose face I never wanted to see.I didn't eat lunch. Some moments passed.That man and sarthak were sleeping in a quilt in the other room. I went to the kitchen and took the knife. I treaded towards him. I stood at his back holding the knife with shivering hands.  I confirmed it was him and not Sarthak at the side I was on. I.... I set my hands in motion with all power I had,  about to stab. Just nearing him my hands stopped somehow.  When I processed what happened my heart took a bound. I couldn't recognise myself in the mirror in that room. I still don't recognise myself. I had almost killed a man."

" Don't think like that Sandy " you said wiping all my tears and bringing me close to yourself.
" That day still haunts me Rachit. I.. who doesn't pray any picture and has always prayed life my entire life...who never ate non - vegetarian food because couldn't imagine even a meek animal getting killed. I who has been a pantheist my whole life.. almost killed a man"

" A man who deserves to be in prison"
" That doesn't make a difference. That day something changed forever. Do you remember in Godfather the brief moment when Al Pacino changes."
"When he shoots the three men in the restaurant? "
" No before that. When mercenaries came to kill his father in hospital. He along with the watchman pretended to have a gun under the coat.  When the goons left the watchmen was quavering with fear and was unable to light the cigarette.  But he lit it for him. That moment he realises his hands didn't tremble. The change was subtle to everyone but very stark for him. That moment of change when he knew that nothing is ever going to be the same"

" You don't need to live in any guilt.  It was instinctive. Even if you had sta...."
" Don't complete that line.  Don't defend me. That very moment I went and lied besides him as if asking for forgiveness.  I don't know what he made out of this gesture.  Maybe he thought he has my consent. He made his advances and I didn't resist. After that day I never resisted even if the pain and suffocation killed me from inside. That day stifled me to repent endlessly. "
"You shouldn't have done that.  You should have fought back"
" I no longer recognised myself. I had no life and courage left in me to fight back "

" You don't have any right to do this to yourself. You are just being hard on yourself. You always have"
" At that time I didn't know any other way to go about. I felt enduring his every act is the only apology and only way to make peace with myself. The thought would never leave my mind. I would not sleep for days. I didn't know what was happening to me. I used to go to the roof ot the building and stand near the cliff and jump. Sometimes there would be other tenants. In hostel there used to be other girls who would suddenly come up. I would go back to my room and google how many floors are adequate to commit suicide that is irretrievable by any treatment. And this wasn't momentary. I experienced this for many years. On the other hand what was initially only sexual abuse now turned into an emotional and mental abuse. Instead of solving everything I got more and more entwined in a living hell. There was nobody to help. After boards you also left and didn't return. I used to call you trying to say what I was going through. To help me come out of it. You wouldn't pick up. I almost one time killed myself with a death note saved on my phone but mummy called the very moment. That day I thought I had no right to sabotage other's life who depended on me. I have got to live,  for other people.  But it wasn't easy you see. Its not a voluntary thing.  I faked medical prescriptions and started taking antidepressants. I had a permanent note in my phone that if I am found dead please don't blame anyone, its my conscious decision. Every new day was a struggle. Even after moving out of the house to the hostel. I always read books from childhood to escape from the pathetic reality I had to live right from the beginning.  You were the best thing that happened to me but you also left. What people called depression is what I am living with nearly my entire life. Only that there are some bad days and there are not so bad days. But its always there lurking inside me."

Your eyes had now swollen up.
"I will never be able to forgive myself. I wished I  was there. Today I truly detest myself.  Only if I could somehow know.  I never had any hint. Everytime I met you you solved my every problem trying to calm me down. And your smile... it was the happiest smile I had seen "
" Happiest smiles have the saddest stories. I am sorry too Rachit. Twenty five years back when you returned,  I remember how harsh I was to you. I was so angry because you left me alone...I missed you...I was too tired to fight. But I had no right to shout at you like that."
"You had every right Sandhya"
" Its the first time I am talking about it. I feared telling this to anyone,  even Raghav. I thought everyone will think myself to be a Psychopath."
" Its good that you did. Stopping a pain buried inside you is like stop blinking.  Either ways it will reflect in tears"

" That man...how long did he..."
" Till the time he could. Stopped after his marriage. Those people are like scavengers. They will eat you up till the last drop of blood in you. "
" Don't you hate him? Don't you feel like making him atone for what he did? "
" I don't hate him. You hate the people you had once loved or respected.  The real opposite of love is not hate, its apathy. Apart from obviously generating a nausea there is nothing more that his existence does for me. He is just someone who doesn't deserve to be a human who unfortunately happens to be my relative. And I would get no happiness in seeing him in pain. Imagine what more you can break in a person who is already broken to do what he did all these years. Its just that I take a lesson from it and move on. I never allowed any man near my daughter even if Raghav called me paranoid for that. I have to let go of the misandry that I had within me all these years. I have to really thank Raghav for tolerating me all these years despite me failing to function sexually and emotional sound. And now you know what I am doing in the NGO is completely selfish.  I see a glimpse of me in those timid eyes. Its there wilted dreams that I have to protect. They are my chance to correct everything I wronged"
" You didn't wrong anything " you intervened and held me even tighter. In that moment I felt free. I felt nothing more could have been asked for. That if it was the last day of my life... I am ready to die... here...now... in your arms.

I had lost the track of time. It was almost twelve. A new day. It was very hard for me  to get out of your hands wrapped around me. I wanted time to pause but I had to rush to the station and go back to London. You ordered a cab. As I sat in the cab I wished if somehow I miss the train. The stereo played a Kath Bloom's song, Come here. A song from the first movie ( Before sunrise) we saw on your laptop, during our first and the only kiss.

There's wind that blows in from the north
And it says that loving takes this course
Come here
Come here

No I'm not impossible to touch
I have never wanted you so much
Come here
Come here

Have I never laid down by your side
Baby, let's forget about this pride
Come here
Come here

Well I'm in no hurry
You don't have to run away this time
I know you're timid
But it's gonna be all right this time

I looked at you amidst the darkness in car. You were just looking at me. I slided in your arms without saying anything.You held me like you wouldn't let me go. That time I wasn't a mother, an estranged wife or a woman nearing fifty. I was just a girl in arms of a boy wanting him to love her. You circled me even tightly,  cornered the hairs stuck on my lips and pressed your mouth against mine.
" I love you" you whispered in my ears.
" You realise its the first time you are saying that"
" No,  its not the first. I said this thirty years ago. Only in some other language"

The cab stopped in front of station with a sudden thud. Leaving you has never been easy but this time it was hardest. Suddenly I realised that I almost took the entire evening for myself and didn't even ask why he called me.
" Rachit you had called to say something very important. If you want I'll cancel the train. "
" That won't be necessary.  Mine won't take much time"
" Is everything okay? "
The announcements had been made. Train was about to depart in two minutes.
"I left my job. Took an early retirement.  I'm planning to come back to India, make a home..my last work...a home with round doors...far away from the cities...near mountains or forests. Will do some farming and work towards tele education."
"And? "
"That's very much it..Just wanted to tell I'll be leaving for forever.. "
"Don't tell me you came all along to tell me this. I left my daughter in a new country in a new college...didn't even get to see her hostel room or meet her friends because you called up to come here and now you tell me that...."
"Will you come along? You once said life is very long "

एक मुलाक़ात (2030)

फरवरी 2030
1:00 am
उदयपुर

कितनी अजीब होती हैं न किसी अच्छे वक़्त में आकृत होती वो उदासीनता, जब पता होता हैं कि ये आनंदमयी घड़ी अब जल्द ही खत्म हो जायेगी | ये खुशियाँ क्षणिक हैं, अभी से दूरी बना लो..अगले पल सब पहले जैसा हो जायेगा | वहीं पहले जैसी रूटीन ज़िन्दगी | उन आखिरी पलों में हम असल में ख़ुश नहीं होते... बस आने वाले विराग की प्रतीक्षा कर रहे होते हैं | पर हम क्यूँ खुद ही के साथ ये अन्याय करते हैं? उन बचे लम्हों को ऐसे क्यूँ ज़ायर कर देते हैं? हमारी लड़ाइयाँ भी कितनी छोटी होती हैं न | किसी बुरे वक़्त में हिम्मत ढूंढ़ने की लड़ाई, किसी अच्छे वक़्त में उसको छूटने न देने की लड़ाई | सब परिपेक्ष्य का खेल हैं.. चाहे तो हम उत्सव को भी त्रासदी बना सकते हैं और चाहे तो त्रासदी को उत्सव | किसी पल को बीती हुई यादों या आने वाले अनिश्चिंताओ के बंधन से परे रख कर उसी क्षण में जी भर कर जीना भी एक कला हैं, वो कला जो मैं अब तक नहीं सीख पायी हूँ |

शादी बस ख़त्म होने को हैं | फेरे होना शुरू हुए हैं | पता नहीं क्यूँ पर मैं सार्थक को पहचान नहीं पा रही हूँ | लग रहा हैं वो अब बस मेरा भाई नहीं, बहुत सी नई भूमिकाओं में बंध गया हैं, जिसमें उसका मेरा भाई होना एक छोटा पहलू हैं | थप्पड़ नहीं मार पाऊँगी अब, पहले जैसे डांट भी नहीं पाऊँगी|सारे रिश्तेदार कल एक एक करके चले जायेंगे... सार्थक भी |ये सारे सजावट के फूल कहीं सूखे गिरे होंगे...मंडप की सारी सामाग्री महज़ राख बन गई होगी | अग्निकुंड से उठती लपटों की दूसरी तरफ सब धुंधला हैं,  पर अचानक ऐसा लगा मानों तुम खड़े ही वहाँ | ये मरीचिका हैं... कोई वहम हैं | मैंने ध्यान से देखा तो उस अस्थिर धुएँ के पीछे तुम ही थे |

मैं जल्दी से तुम्हारे पास पहुंची | एक बार हाथ पकड़के विश्वास कर लिया कि तुम ही हो |
"किसी ने बताया नहीं कि तुम आ रहे हो " मैंने अपनी हैरानी को छुपाते हुए पूछा |
"इतना इम्पोर्टेन्ट नहीं हूँ मैं शायद की अलग से बताया जाये तुम्हें "
"कब आये | और मुझसे मिले भी नहीं "
" अरे अभी दो घंटे ही हुए हैं... तुम्हें ढूंढा तो तुम बहुत बिजी थीं काम में.. बार बार कुछ लाने को कभी इधर कभी उधर भाग रही थीं तो मैंने सोचा बाद में मिल लूंगा "
"मुझे लगा नहीं था रचित कि तुम आओगे "
"मुझे भी नहीं लग रहा था, वो तो माँ ने ताने मार मार कर भेजा| तुम्हारी शादी में नहीं आया था न तो गुस्सा थीं वो | "
"उनकी तबीयत ठीक हैं अब? "
"हाँ कहती तो यहीं हैं, मैं भी ज्यादा मिल नहीं पता | वो छोड़ो, तुम्हारे भाई की शादी हैं तो तुम्हें बुलाना चाहिए था न मुझे "
"अच्छा... अचानक से तुम बात बंद कर दो और फिर मुझे बोलो की मैंने नहीं बुलाया | कितनी बार कॉल किया, कितने दिनों तक किया, याद भी हैं?  थक गई थीं तुम्हें मनाते मनाते "
" हम्म बहुत वक़्त लग गया हक़ीक़त को अपनाने में... खुद से नज़र मिलाने में " 

" छोड़ो पहली बार थोड़े हैं, तुम्हारी तो पुरानी आदत हैं " मैंने हँस कर बात टाल दी |

" सामान अंदर होटल में रख दो न " मैंने तुम्हारे बैग को देखते हुए कहा |
"नहीं कोई नहीं, एक बैग ही है... सुबह यहीं से निकल जाऊंगा "
"आज सुबह ही चले जाओगे? "
"नहीं रात की ट्रैन हैं | दिन भर में घूम लूंगा उदयपुर, जब आया ही हूँ तो "
" ये सही हैं.. घूमना ज्यादा जरुरी हैं अब तुम्हारे लिए... ये नहीं की ढंग से बात ही करलो मुझसे थोड़ा रुक कर "
"तुम भी चलना फिर घूमने... घूमते घूमते बात करेंगे "
"देखती हूँ " मैंने थोड़ी बुझी आवाज़ में कहा | पता था बहुत मुश्किल होगा जा पाना | जैसे जैसे उम्र बढ़ती हैं, जिम्मेदारियां कितनी बढ़ जाती हैं | उनके बीच ऐसे फंस जाते हैं कि शायद अपने लिए जीना भूल जाते हैं |

" सार्थक की शादी हो गई... यकीन ही नहीं होता| अभी तो वीडियो गेम्स में हार जाने पर रोता था | याद हैं हम दोनों को कहीं बाहर मिलना होता था आंटी को न बताने के दस रूपये लेता था और उसी में ख़ुश हो जाता था| आज दूल्हा बन गया हैं |" तुम सार्थक को देखते हुए कह रहे हो | मंत्र वगैरह बंद हो गये हैं | सब दूल्हा दुल्हन को लेकर अंदर जा रहे हैं बाक़ी रस्मों के लिए... मेहमानों की गिनती कम हो रही हैं |
" तुमने क्यूँ नहीं की अभी तक "
" अपनी बर्बादी नहीं करनी अपने हाथों "
" क्यूँ मैं बर्बाद लगती हूँ क्या तुम्हें...  बताओ न क्यूँ नहीं की"
"तुम नहीं मिली न इसलिए "
"अरे बताओ न कब करोगे "
" जब तुम इस गँजे को छोड़ दोगी न तब "
मैंने बिना देखे दो तीन मुक्के मार दिए तुम्हें और खिलखिला कर हंसने लगी |
" ख़बरदार जो ऐसे बोला मेरे पति को "
"अब गँजे को गंजा ही बोलेंगे न "
" जेनेटिक हैं, कुछ सालों में तुम्हारे झड़ जाये उससे पहले ढूंढ़ लो कोई.. वरना फिर कोई मानेगा भी नहीं.. समझें | और राघव को तो मैं छोड़ने से रही "
" इतना प्यार करती हो उससे "
"और क्या "
"तुम ख़ुश हो न संध्या? "
"हाँ, क्यूँ नहीं लग रही क्या...और तुम? "
"मेरा क्या हैं... ठीक ही हूँ "
" ब्रेकअप हुआ हैं क्या हाल में? "
" अरे नहीं... रिलेशनशिप होंगे तब न ब्रेकअप... बस फ्लिंग्स... वन नाईट स्टैंड... यहीं सब हैं "
" हम्म काम में कोई दिक्कत हैं? "
" नहीं सब सही ही हैं | थक जाता हूँ अब जल्दी | कुछ बड़ा करने के बाद भी पहले जैसी ख़ुशी नहीं मिलती | बस ढूंढ़ता रहता हूँ कि कहा मिलेगी अब वो पहले जैसी ख़ुशी अब |
"मिड लाइफ क्राइसिस? "
" हम्म.. शायद वहीं...या पता नहीं संध्या... हमेशा कुछ कम लगता हैं... अभी तुमसे बात कर रहा हूँ तो शायद पहली बार सोच रहा हूँ "
"बहुत नॉर्मल हैं ऐसा लगना रचित | सबको जिंदगी के किसी मोड़ पर लगता ही होगा ऐसा... निकल जायेगा ये वक़्त... बस कोशिश करते रहो... ढूंढ़ते रहो कौन सी चीज़ ख़ुशी देती हैं...बाक़ी ज़िन्दगी बहुत लम्बी हैं"
"तुम इतनी सुलझी हुई कैसे हो? "
"जो बहुत सुलझे हुए लगते हैं न, असल में सबसे ज्यादा उलझें हुए होते हैं "

" उदयपुर में शादी क्यूँ? डेस्टिनेशन वेडिंग?  "
" आकृति यहीं की हैं| दोनों की लव मैरिज हैं... कॉलेज स्वीटहार्ट्स "
" सही... कितना अच्छा होता हैं न... कुछ लोगों के लिए सब इतना आसान होता हैं... कुछ लोगों के लिए ख़ुश रहना इतना मुश्किल "
" क्या फ़र्क़ पड़ता हैं लेकिन...ये जरुरी थोड़े हैं कि तुम जो चाहो वो तुम्हें कितनी देर, कितनी जद्दोजहद के बाद मिले | ये मायने रखता हैं कि बस वो मिल जाये... क्यूँकि फिर बाक़ी सारी बातों का कोई महत्त्व नहीं रहता "
" और अगर मिलना लिखा न हो तो कभी?  " तुम्हारी आवाज़ में एक कंपित करने वाली मायूसी थीं |

इससे पहले मैं कुछ कहती मम्मी ने आवाज़ लगाई मुझे | फिर खुद ही मेरे पास आकर चिक्की को हाथ में देकर चली गई | अचानक से नींद से उठ गई थीं वो... जोर जोर से रो रही थीं | कुछ देर बाद शांत हो गई हैं | तुम्हें बहुत आश्चर्य से देखने लगी  | तुम उसे देख कर तरह तरह के चेहरे बना रहे हो | अब वो खिलखिलाकर हँस पड़ी हैं | तुम्हारे हाथों का पीछा कर रही हैं | तुम उसके मोटे मोटे गाल खींच रहे हो |
" फोटो से ज्यादा क्यूट लग रही हैं सामने "
" फोटो देखी हैं तुमने इसकी "
" और क्या...खुद से ज्यादा तो इसकी तस्वीरों से भरी हुई रहती हैं तुम्हारी टाइमलाइन "
"स्टॉकर कहीं के "
तुमने अब अपनी गोद में ले लिया हैं उसे और निहार रहे हो |
" कितने साल की हैं? "
"दो "
" तुम्हारे जैसी नहीं दिखती और न ही राघव जैसी "
" हाँ... तुम्हारे जैसी लगती होगी न "
" कह सकते हैं... देखों आंखे कितनी बड़ी बड़ी हैं... तुम्हारे जैसी छोटी नहीं... नाक भी ऊँची सी... मेरे जैसी... ऊपर से इतने घने  बाल हैं तो बाप पर तो नहीं गई हैं " तुम कहकर हँस रहे हो |
"जब होने वाली थीं तो तुम्हारे बारे में सोचती थीं न... इसलिए तुम्हारे जैसी लगती हैं "
तुमने ज़वाब में कुछ नहीं कहा.. तुम बस उसके चेहरे पर हाथ फेर रहे और तुम्हारे हाथ ज़रा ज़रा काँप रहे हैं |

"बहुत बोलती हैं.. अभी बहुत भीड़ देख कर... नए चेहरे देख कर चुप हो गई हैं | " मैंने फिर से कुछ बात शुरू करने के लिए कहा |
" वैसे बड़े होकर तुम्हें अच्छे से कोसेगी ये ...  कैसा नाम रखा हैं... चिक्की "
"अरे वो तो घर का हैं न... तुम्हें क्या लगा इतनी पागल हूँ "
" हाँ वो तो लगता ही हैं... क्या नाम हैं फिर "
"संचिता "
तुम्हारा मुस्कुराना बंद ही गया और चेहरे पर एक गंभीर मुद्रा हैं |

" और तुम्हारे घर में गोल दरवाज़े हैं या नहीं? "
" नहीं,  न कोई पेट हैं.. इस अकेले को पालना मुश्किल हो रहा हैं| तुम बताओ तुम्हारा घर कैसा हैं?  "
"मैं क्या बतायूँ |जो घर मैं बनाना चाहता था वो कभी बना ही नहीं और शायद न कभी बनेगा..."
"ऐसा क्यूँ सोचते हो,  ज़िन्दगी बहुत लम्बी हैं,  इतनी जल्दी कुछ कैसे मान सकते हो "
" थक गया हूँ मैं... हार गया हूँ मैं, सबसे... तुमसे... खुद से "
" इतनी जल्दी क्यूँ हार मान रहे हो | वक़्त सब ठीक कर देता हैं... बस थोड़ा वक़्त दो रचित | तुम्हें समझती हूँ मैं और जानती हूँ कि मुश्किल हैं पर तुम खुद को ऐसे मत कोसो इस सब के लिए | मैं ये नहीं कह रही भूल जाओ...बस जिस कहानी को पूरा नहीं किया जा सकता उसे एक खूबसूरत मोड़ देकर छोड़ देना चाहिए | शायद कोई और कहानी हो जो किसी दूसरे मोड़ पर तुम्हारा इंतज़ार कर रही हो पर तुमने चलना ही छोड़ दिया हैं | "
"बहुत बातें बना लेती हो वैसे तुम | थेरेपिस्ट बन जाना चाहिए तुम्हें | वैसे आज बहुत दिनों बाद थोड़ा अच्छा लगा हैं... थोड़ा सुकून मिला हैं "
" देखा मैं कहती हूँ न बात करने से सब सुलझ जाता हैं, तुम हो कि हमेशा कतराते हो.. दूर भागते हो "

इस बार घंटो की गिनती नहीं हैं हमारी मुलाक़ात में... न एक दूसरे से कोई सवाल या गुंजाईश | हैं तो बस एक अजीब सा खालीपन... एक अजीब सी दूरी जिसे कितने ही हर्फ़, कितनी ही कोशिशे मिटा नहीं सकती | हम दोनों ही चुपचाप देख रहे हैं खाली मैदान को, महसूस कर रहे हैं एक ठहराव को | इस बार कोई जल्दी नहीं हैं... इस बार कोई गाना नहीं हैं | या शायद हैं एक गाना जो मेरे अंतर्मन में कहीं गूँज रहा हैं | 'माना के हम यार नहीं, लो तय है के प्यार नहीं...फिर भी नज़रें ना तुम मिलाना, दिल का ऐतबार नहीं'|

अचानक कोई रिश्तेदार मेरे पास आकर खुल्ले पैसे माँगने लगी... शगुन में देने को | एक पल को भूल गई थीं मैं कि कहाँ हूँ...सपनों की किसी और ही दुनिया में पहुंच गई थीं | मैं पर्स निकाल कर पैसे ढूंढ़ने लगी | तुमने पर्स पड़ी एक चिल्ड्रन बुक निकाल ली हैं और पलटने लगे हो |
"इसको भी शुरू कर दी कहानियाँ सुनाना " तुम उन रंगीन चित्रों वाले पन्नों को पलटते हुए पूछने लगे | कुछ पन्नों बाद रुक जाते हो तुम, एक पुराने बुकमार्क को देखकर | वो बुकमार्क जिसपर लिखें हैं दो अक्षर और एक अधूरी कहानी |
" तुमने तो कहा था की फेंक दिया... "
" गुस्से में कह दिया था... ऐसे कैसे फेंक देती "

तुम नज़रे झुकाये बैठे हो | फिर कुछ याद आते ही अपने बैग में कुछ ढूंढ़ने लगते हो | एक साड़ी और एक नॉवेल |
" इस बार नहीं भूला... ले ही आया तुम्हारे लिए नॉवेल "
" गुनाहों का देवता... पढ़ चुकी हूँ "
"पता हैं... फिर भी "
तभी माँ किसी काम से बुलाने लगती हैं | मैं संचिता को तुम्हारी गोद में रखकर उठ गई हूँ | मुझे पता हैं कि कल नहीं आ पाऊँगी तुम्हारे साथ... पता हैं कि दिलासा देने को मैंने बहुत सी बातें कह दी हैं मैंने जो मेरे लिए अभी तक मुमकिन नहीं हो पाई हैं... पता हैं कि अभी कुछ वक़्त हैं तुम्हारे साथ पर मैं ज़ायर कर दूंगी उसे ये सोचते हुए कि फिर चले जाओगे तुम वापस न आने के लिए...पता हैं कि रंजिश का वो उफान जिसे दबाये बैठी थीं फिर उमड़ आया हैं एकाएक...सीने में फिर वहीं कचोट हैं और फिर तुम दूर हो | मैंने चलते चलते हाथ में पड़ी नॉवेल को एक बार पलटा | पन्नों के बीच से कुछ पुराने टूटे बाल निकले और हवा में झूलते हुए नीचे ज़मीन पर गिर गये |छूट चुके हो तुम अब हमेशा हमेशा के लिए उस गिरह से  |

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पर उसका चमत्कार ले लिया
पता था कि इस प्रकार की घटना
कभी सदियों में होती है…..

लाखों ख्याल आये
माथे में झिलमिलाये

पर खड़ी रह गयी कि उसको उठा कर
अब अपने शहर में कैसे जाऊंगी?

मेरे शहर की हर गली संकरी
मेरे शहर की हर छत नीची
मेरे शहर की हर दीवार चुगली

सोचा कि अगर तू कहीं मिले
तो समुन्द्र की तरह
इसे छाती पर रख कर
हम दो किनारों की तरह हंस सकते थे

और नीची छतों
और संकरी गलियों
के शहर में बस सकते थे….

पर सारी दोपहर तुझे ढूंढते बीती
और अपनी आग का मैंने
आप ही घूंट पिया

मैं अकेला किनारा
किनारे को गिरा दिया
और जब दिन ढलने को था
समुन्द्र का तूफान
समुन्द्र को लौटा दिया….

अब रात घिरने लगी तो तूं मिला है
तूं भी उदास, चुप, शान्त और अडोल
मैं भी उदास, चुप, शान्त और अडोल
सिर्फ- दूर बहते समुन्द्र में तूफान है…..

~अमृता प्रीतम

The brief history of seven killings

This story is not narrated by heroes and this story has no protagonist. Its backed by prisoners, kidnappers, drug addicts, gangsters, even ghosts  and their brief ( literally and metaphorically )accounts that lead up to the attempted assassination of the singer Bob Marley. This novel is difficult to read with about hundred characters that I had to literally flip pages back and forth every now and then to keep a track of; with the unfamiliar Jamaican lingo and intricate political details and awareness of the era. But Marlon James deftly spanned decades and countries and characters, exploring the horrendous events and time and its bloody aftermath.  We witness injustice,  radicalism,  racism, slave trade, violence, abusive behavior  and ugly truth of money and power.  A unique thing was that every unit is after name of a song and every chapter after name of a character narrating it; so there's a whirlwind of different voices that continuously seperates and interwines as the story unfolds. Although the plot alternates between disparate perspectives we can clearly see through the seven gangsters who allied with the Jamaican labor party and are against the incumbent government, their riffs to ensure people vote for their party in upcoming elections. One of the member is convinced that the Singer is going to start a new Rastafarian party that will render their party meaningless.  Not all the members are up for the violence but then there are revelatory backstories and misguided political milieu intercrossing herewith. Although the novel is humongous and has constantly confusing narrative, at the end the reading will be worth the effort. A very big thanks to the friend who gifted this,  afterall books are the gifts one can open again and again. 

एक मुलाक़ात (2015)

जुलाई 2015
4:00 am
दिल्ली

रात में शायद बहुत बारिश हुई हैं |छत पर जगह जगह पानी भर गया हैं |मैं पाँव दबा के चल रही हूँ फिर भी फिसल जा रही हूँ | तुम सहारा देने के बजाय बॉलकनी से टिक कर खड़े हँस रहे हो मुझे देख कर|आसमां धीरे धीरे रंग बदल रहा हैं...संतरी...लाल...गुलाबी|मानों ये आसमान कोई कैनवस हो और मौसम कोई चित्रकार |

"आंटी को क्या बोल कर आई? "
"सो रही थीं, पूछेंगी तो बोल दूंगी योगा करने गई थीं "
"छत पर बाढ़ आई हुई हैं, करो...ज़रा मैं भी देखता हूँ कैसे करोगी योगा "
"बोल दूंगी तुमसे मिलने आई थीं...आखिरी बार ही तो हैं...थोड़े न डाँटेंगी फिर "
"आखिरी बार क्यूँ? ऐसे नहीं बोलते | सर्दियों में तो फिर आना हैं "
" सारा सामान रख लिया हैं न?  कुछ छूटा तो नहीं न? "
"अरे छूट गया न... "
"क्या? जाओ रख लो जल्दी से  "
"तुम छूट गई... बताओ कौन से सूटकेस में बैठना चाहोगी "
" सूटकेस में क्यूँ बैठूंगी भला मैं? दिसंबर में जब आओगे तो तुम्हारे साथ चलूंगी न घूमने...पूरा यूरोप "
" बस यूरोप... कहीं और नहीं.. मैं तो घूम चुका होंगा तब तक "
" अरे तो उससे क्या | घूमाना पड़ेगा मुझे | बाक़ी जगह अगली छुट्टियों में... ठीक "
" हम्म...ठीक " तुमने कहाँ और लकड़ी की सीढ़ी बरसाती छत से टिका कर मुझे ऊपर चढ़ने का इशारा किया |

" पर कुछ देर बाद निकलना हैं तुम्हें " मैंने गैरदिलचस्पी से कहा|
" कुछ देर तो हैं न " तुम बोले और ऊपर चढ़ने लगे |
ऊपर से सब कुछ और ज्यादा सुन्दर लग रहा हैं | तुम बिना पलक झपके सूर्योदय देख रहे हो | साथ ही देख रहे हो आस पास के घर... पेड़... मेट्रो के पुल...बिल्कुल एकाग्र होकर | कभी कभी लगता हैं कि तुम्हारे दृष्टिकोण से एक बार सब कुछ देखूँ...  तुम्हारे हिसाब से कुछ मायनों को समझूँ... बस एक बार तुम्हारे अंतर्मन में झाँक कर सब जान लूँ |

"लोग इतने छोटे घरों में कैसे रह लेते हैं सैंडी?...सारी ज़िन्दगी "
"क्यूँ, छोटे घरों में क्या बुराई हैं? हमारे फ़्लैट्स भी तो छोटे से हैं "
"तभी तो निकलना हैं मुझे यहाँ से | हम न अपना घर बहुत बड़ा बनाएंगे...बड़े कमरे...बड़ी छत...बड़ा सा बगीचा... क्या कहती हो? "
" मुझे क्या कहना,  बनाना तो तुम्हें हैं... आर्किटेक्ट तो तुम हो न "
" अरे रहना तो तुम्हें भी हैं न, बताओ कैसा घर चाहिए, वैसा बना दूंगा "
"मुझे बड़ी चीज़े इतनी पसन्द नहीं हैं | मुझे छोटी चीज़े अच्छी लगती हैं | जैसे कि ये सूर्योदय मुझे इतना हैरान नहीं करता... बहुत बड़ा और हाईप्ड लगता हैं ये मुझे| मुझे हैरान करती हैं वो रेलिंग पर क्रम से लटकी बूँदे...जिनपर जब सूरज की रौशनी पड़ेगी तो सुर्ख़ चमकने लगेंगी और उंगलियों फिराने पर आपस में मिल जाएंगी | मुझे हैरान करता हैं छोटा सा घोंसला जो वो उस दिवार की दरार में बना हुआ हैं | हैरान करते हैं ये छोटे दाने जो कुछ गिलहरी ने खा लिए और कुछ यूँ ही बिखेर दिए | "
"बाप रे ! चलो न मेरा, न तुम्हारा... कुछ मीडियम सा घर देख लेंगे "

" सुनो, घर के दरवाज़े न गोल बनाना...और स्पाइरल वाली सीढ़ियाँ "
"गोल दरवाज़े कहाँ होते हैं? "
" मेरे घर में होंगे... सारी दीवारें न मैं खुद पेंट करुँगी... और हम बिस्तर के बजाये न बहुत सारे गद्दे लगा देंगे ज़मीन पर कतार से "
" बहुत सारे क्यूँ... कितने बच्चें करने का इरादा हैं मोहतरमा? "
" बच्चों के लिए नहीं... मेरे लिए होगा...मैं नींद में बहुत घूमती हूँ न तो एक सिरे से दूसरे सिरे लुढ़कते रहूंगी नींद में...वरना गिर गई तो... रात भी गिरते गिरते बची थीं  "
" मैं तुम्हें जकड़ कर सोयुंगा तो इसकी नौबत ही नहीं आएगी" तुमने कह गये हो बेख्याली से शायद | मैं इन बेख्याली में छिपी प्रगाढ़ता ढूंढ रही हूँ...अब शायद कल्पना भी कर रही हूँ |

" कुत्ता रखेंगे या बिल्ली? " तुमने पूछा हैं |
" एक कुत्ता और तीन बिल्लियाँ "
"तीन क्यूँ? "
"वरना बोर हो जाएंगी न वो... अपने जैसा कोई चाहिए होता हैं "
"तो फिर कुत्ता एक क्यूँ? "
"उसके लिए तुम हो न "
"अच्छा जी " तुमने मेरे हाथ पकड़ कर कोहनी मोड़ दी हैं |
" मुझे न एक कोआला बियर भी चाहिए वैसे...और एक कछुआ... हो सके तो एक हाथी भी "
" ऐसा करते हैं जंगल में ही चलते हैं... हाथी पर घूमेंगे...जानवरों से बातें करेंगे... तुम लकड़ियाँ चुनना... मैं भेड़ चरा कर आऊंगा... और शिकार पकड़ कर "
"पागल हो क्या... मारना नहीं हैं किसी को"
"तुम पागल हो क्या...जो सोच भी रही हो ये सब... वैसे पागल तो हो तुम "
"अभी तो खुद पूछ रहे थे बताने को... अब मज़ाक़ बना रहे हो " मैं मुँह फुलाकर बैठ गई |
" अच्छा सुनो मेरे दिमाग में न एक नाम आया हैं... संचित ( संध्या- रचित )...  कैसा नाम हैं "
" बहुत बकवास नाम हैं " मैं दूसरी तरफ देख कर अपनी मुस्कुराहट छुपा रही हूँ | थोड़ी देर भी गुस्सा नहीं रहने देते न मुझे तुम  |

"एक घंटा बचा हैं संध्या...क्या करें? " तुम मोबाइल देखते हुए बोलते हो|
" कहानी सुनते हैं...यादों का इडियट बॉक्स "
तुमने ईरफ़ोन निकाल लिए | दाहिने वाला मेरा...मुझे उस कान से उससे ज्यादा सुनाई देता हैं | कहानी में जो नायक होता हैं वो भी नायिका को छोड़ कर जा रहा होता हैं | कहानी फ़्लैशबैक में चल रही हैं सो पता हैं कि अब ये वापस नहीं मिलेंगे | बीच में गाना बजने लगा हैं अब | 'हम तुम कितने पास हैं कितने दूर हैं चाँद सितारे...सच पूछो तो मन को झूठे लगते हैं ये सारे... मगर सच्चे लगते हैं... ये धरती... ये नदियाँ... ये रैना.. '
"और?  " मैं चहक कर पूछती हूँ और सवाल में आँखे उठाती हूँ |
तुम मुझे देखकर हँस देते हो |

मैंने ईरफ़ोन निकाल दिए हैं और अब दूर जाती मेट्रो ट्रेन को देख रही हूँ... तुम मुझे एकटक | मैं बेखबर बनकर सूरज को देख रही हूँ वो बादलों के पीछे से हट कर अब प्रकाशित कर रहा हैं उन बूँदो को |सुन रही हूँ चिड़ियों को कहकहाते हुए... शहर को जागते हुए |अब तुम्हारी तरफ देख कर वहीं गाना गुनगुना रही हूँ|
"तुम इन सब को छोड़ के कैसे आज सुबह जाओगे...  मेरे साथ इन्हें भी तो तुम याद बहुत आओगे "

तुम्हारी आँखों में कुछ बूँदे चमकने लगी हैं उन बाक़ी बूँदो की तरह | तुम सिसक रहे हो | फ़ोन एक कोने में रख दिया हैं तुमने | कभी और सुन लेंगे उस कहानी को | कहना सही नहीं होगा पर जब तुम रोते हो न तो बहुत अच्छा लगता हैं | कभी कभी मन करता हैं बस किसी तरह रुला दूँ तुम्हें...फिर शांत करा दूँ आलिंगन में भर कर... तुम्हारे साथ मैं भी रोती रहूँ और मनाती रहूँ... इकठ्ठा कर लूँ तुम्हारा हर आँसू... किसी कमाई हुई पूंजी की तरह |

" पापा ने अचानक से टिकट करवा दी | परसों जाना तय हुआ था पहले तो | देखों तुम्हारे लिए कुछ ला भी नहीं पाया " तुम कुछ देर बाद बोले |
"कोई बात नहीं.. क्या फ़र्क़ पड़ता हैं "
"पड़ता हैं...कुछ तो होना चाहिए न जिससे याद रखा जा सके कोई ख़ास पल... सोचा था तुम्हें एक नॉवेल लाकर दूंगा "
अचानक कुछ याद आता हैं तुम्हें | तुम अपना वॉलेट खोलते हो |

"पैसे नहीं चाहिए मुझे "
" दे कौन रहा हैं तुम्हें | रिश्तेदारों जैसे तोहफ़े थोड़े दूंगा "
तुमने मेट्रो कार्ड निकाला और बगल में पड़े इक नुकीली कील से उसपर खुरचने लगे | बच्चों के जैसे 'एस❤️आर ' लिख दिया हैं तुमने उस कार्ड पर | और मेरे हाथों में थमाकर बोलते हो, " नॉवेल नहीं तो बुकमार्क सही...छोटी चीज़े पसंद हैं न तुम्हें"| मैंने कसकर पकड़ लिया हैं वो बुकमार्क भी और तुम्हारा हाथ भी |

" इतनी ज़ोर से क्यूँ पकड़ लिया हैं हाथ... कहीं भाग थोड़े जाऊंगा "
" मुझे क्या पता? भाग गये तो?  वापस ही नहीं आये तो... वहाँ किसी फिरंग को पटा लिया तो? "
" हाँ अब तो सोच रहा हूँ भाग ही जायूँ और वहीं कोई ढूंढ लूँ | इतनी दूर जा रहा हूँ... ये नहीं कि मुझे कुछ कोई तोहफ़ा ही दे दो " तुमने अट्ठहास करते हुए कहा |

 मगर मुझे ये बात कुछ ख़ास पसंद नहीं आई | मैं ढूंढ रही हूँ अपने आस पास कि कोई चीज़ जुगाड़ लूँ | इतना वक़्त भी नहीं बचा हैं कि कुछ खरीद ही आयूं | घर में कुछ ढूंढ़ने गई तो वक़्त ज़ायर हो जायेगा...मम्मी सवाल करेंगी वो अलग | और इस छत पर दुनिया भर के कबाड़ के अलावा कुछ दिखाई नहीं देता | तुम हँस रहे हो मुझे ऐसा तड़पता देख कर |
" औ... कुछ नहीं मिल रहा क्या? " तुम कांधे पर हाथ रख कर पूछते हो | मैं तुम्हारा हाथ झिटक देती हूँ |
" नाक पर गुस्सा रहता हैं तुम्हारे" बोलकर फिर हँसने लगते हो |

"अरे अपने बाल क्यूँ नोच रही हो...आओ मदद कर दूँ थोड़ी " छेड़ते हुए बालों से खेलने लगते हो तुम | तोड़े हुए सारे बाल इकठ्ठा करके तुम्हारी ऊँगली पर लपेट कर बांध दिए हैं मैंने | तुम विस्मय से देख रहे हो मुझे | मैं तुम्हारी अनामिका पर बँधी उस कागज़ी गिरह को देखे ख़ुश हो रही हूँ |

"ल्यूफोक" मुझे देखकर तुम बोले |
" क्या? "
" पागल...फ्रेंच में इसका मतलब पागल होता हैं "
" मुझे फ्रेंच नहीं आती...चुप चाप हिन्दी में बात करो "
" लैंग्वेज नहीं आती न... फ्रेंच और भी होता हैं कुछ... वो आता हैं "
" हटो चुप चाप... और हाथ छोड़ो मेरा "
" ये कैसी अँगूठी हुई भला "
" मैंने कह दिया तो हो गई | अब बांध लिया हैं मैंने तुम्हें | कहीं नहीं भाग पाओगे तुम...चाह कर भी "

"ज़्यू तेम ( आई लव यू ) " तुमने कुछ ठहर कर फ्रेंच में कहा |
" बोला न नहीं आती फ्रेंच...क्या मतलब हैं इसका |
तुम चुप रहे... कुछ नहीं बोले | बस दोनों हाथ थामे और कांधे पर सर रखे बैठे रहे | मैंने भी हाथ छुड़ाने की ज़ेहमत नहीं की |
" पागल के लिए ही कोई और शब्द होगा न... आखिर तुम्हें पागल ही तो लगती हूँ मैं..नहीं? " तमतमाते हुए मैं बोली | तुमने और कसकर पकड़ लिया मुझे और कान के पास आकर धीरे से बोले,  "हाँ...पगली हो तुम... मेरी पगली " |